The Guinness Book of World Records started out with a noble goal: settling bar fights before they got violent. If there was a disagreement over some sort of record, the bartender could just whip out the book, find the correct record, and kill the argument right there, before the argument killed somebody else.
Unfortunately, Guinness had deeply underestimated the lengths people were willing to go to say they held a world record, ANY sort of world record, no matter how pointless and stupid it may be. It spread slowly at first…from sports to biology. Then from biology to language. Then from language to other areas of human achievement. And then from other areas of human achievement to things that can’t even be defined as actual actions, forget any sort of achievement. Hence these ten records that just aren’t worth it.
1.
Furthest Eye Popper
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Who are the eye poppers? You know people that can make their eyes bulge out? Yeah, them. They have a world record for the furthest you can pop out your eyes. There is actually a world record for people making themselves look like cartoon characters. Presumably if you actually pop them out of their sockets, you don’t get the world record.
2.
Furthest Distance Traveled Underwater with a Pogo Stick
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OK, we guess this is impressive because you thought of it and managed to get Guinness to accept this as a plausible world record somebody would care about. But then there’s that whole “underwater with a pogo stick” part, that we’re not really clear on. How was this invented? Why was this decided on? Was it just to protect the record, because people thought that nobody would be willing to do such a stupid thing? Wanna bet, guy, because we’ll strap on the scuba and the pogo stick right now, solely to take away your world record.
Then we’ll pretend our dumb twin brother did it. Hey, it worked on “Arrested Development”.3.
Furthest Distance Thrown by a Car
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We’re just speculating here, but we’re pretty sure that the conversation for the poor, poor guy who won this record went something along the lines of this:
“You’ve broken your clavicle, your wrists, your skull, your neck, your back, your spine, your ribs, your pelvis, your nose, and one ear drum. On the bright side, though, I’m pretty sure you broke a world record. You’ll love it, it’s great, they give you a nice plaque. No, they won’t pay your medical bills.”How do you tell somebody that they’ve just won a world record that is, at best, agonizingly painful? Seriously, we want to know.
4.
Heaviest Car Balanced on the Head
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Balancing something on your head is tricky, especially when it can crush your head like a grape. Still, dude, seriously?
5.
Rolling an Orange With Your Nose
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I…We…OK, we’ve got nothing. We have absolutely nothing. We officially have no idea what the Guinness people are thinking. We’re assuming that someone, somewhere, cares that somebody can roll an orange with their nose for twenty-nine minutes, but why you would need to know this is just completely beyond us. You win this time, Guinness.
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